...almost 4 years later

I just found an email I sent to a friend a few years ago.

In it, there was a link to this blog "Exploring Motherhood"... a blog that I started 4 years ago, when I was a single mom living in Atlanta with my then 5-year-old son.

Seeing the words "Exploring Motherhood" again after so many years made gave me a bittersweet feeling.  I followed the link and saw this, the title of my last post:

Friday, April 23, 2010

No TV Week - Day 5

Ironically, just yesterday my now almost 9-year-old son said to me, "Mommy, do you know what my least favorite month is?"

I had no idea.  I guessed September (back to school month).  I was wrong.

It was April.

It was April because he remembered that "No TV week was in the month of April".  We only tried it twice in his lifetime, but he remembers it better than I do.

I thought he would get a kick out of the blog, so I read it to him.  He loved hearing about himself.  I loved reading about the sweet little 5-year-old that he was and reminiscing about life back then.

I also loved reading the blog for another reason.  I felt a connection with the younger me who struggled and suffered through single motherhood.  I felt compassion for her.  And I felt proud of her.  I felt proud of me.

What an amazing and unexpected feeling.

I am so grateful.

I am grateful for then and I am grateful for now.

Now, almost four years later, I am living in another state, married to my baby's daddy :-), living all together in a beautiful old home of our own.

How things have changed.  And in many ways they are exactly the same.

Hmmm, sounds like something I would like to explore more...the similarities and differences between being a single mom and being a married mom...now that I am further down the journey of motherhood.

More to come...

No TV Week - Day 5

Holy Cow!  We've made 4 full days of no TV.  Never thought we (I) could do it.  I promised an update, but I only have about 30 minutes before picking up Noah...so here goes my speed-blog.

PreDinner Exploration

Typically when I pick up Noah after 'after school', we go home, battle for a minute or two outside the car (Noah wants to play out front, I need to make dinner) and then go in the house.  The pattern is for me to turn on the TV to keep Noah entertained while I make dinner.  And even with SpongeBob, making dinner is a challenge because Noah is constantly calling out "Mommy!"

This week, the new pattern was for Noah to help me check out the refrigerator and freezer to see what we could make.  I tried to have an idea ahead of time, so I could simply give him directions.

What I knew was that he loves to do things himself.  What I didn't know was how good he was at following directions and being helpful.  With the exception of a few ("I don't want to's"), Noah was enthusiastic about putting frozen chicken nuggets on the tray, adding noodles to the water, and pushing the buttons on the oven.  Sometimes he insisted on cutting the vegetables himself....and, you know, with me by his side, he did a great job of using a sharp knife to cut tomatoes and carrots.

In exploring Noah's culinary abilities, I am also exploring how I limit his power by taking care of things for him.

PreBedtime Exploration

Now, what to do between dinner and bedtime???

As with Day One, we worked together to get the table cleaned off so that we could work on Noah's 'at home' school work.  The week was full of the Reuse/Recycle project:  find objects in the bedroom, kitchen, and draw them.  The task was a little more challenging than I had hoped, but I was grateful that there was no whining when it came to drawing the objects.  Sometimes Noah gets frustrated because he can't draw something 'good enough'. Yes, I do believe he gets that from me....Ms. drop-a-class-in-college-because-I-couldn't-get-an-"A".

I LOVED watching this little being study the objects he was drawing and carefully put crayon to paper to replicate what he saw.  I was only frightened on two occasions when both the toilet paper roll and the water bottle took on the very-likeness of a penis.  The next day I felt obligated to warn the teachers about the phallic drawings in Noah's folder.

So far, so good.  Four school nights down without a fuss.  (And even Mommy didn't fuss about missing Grey's Anatomy last night.)

Weekend Outlook

One Friday night and a weekend to go.

I am praying for sunshine to keep us busy outside.  We've never gone a full weekend without TV!

So far, this has definitely been an exploration in my own Mothering.  Here's to making it the rest of the way!

Exploring No TV????

This week is "No Screen Week".  I can't tell you who declared it to be No Screen Week, but it is.  I read it in a Parenting Magazine.  That confirms it.  I suppose that is all the proof (or motivation) I needed :-).  Call me crazy.  Call me an overachiever.  I decided to Go For It!

Confessions and Craziness

As a Single Mom, I confess to using the TV as an after school baby sitter, a post-bath entertainer, and a weekend friend.  How else could I prepare dinner or find any personal reading time???  Having SpongeBob SquarePants singing his jellyfish songs to keep my energetic 5-year old entertained has been a refuge.

Last week, when I read about No Screen Week, I got a twinge of excitement.  Perhaps it was the challenge of it all.  Maybe it was the daredevil-likeness.  Could be pure Craziness.

Possibly the excitement was the premonition of A New Beginning.  Kind of like when you are about to do a massive body cleanse - you know it will be the challenge of a lifetime, but instinctively you can feel that it will jump-start you into a whole new You.

New Beginning

What kind of new beginning am I looking for?  As a single-working-entrepreneurial-iPhone addicted-personal growth junkie-mom, I have rarely found/made time to BE WITH my child...for long periods of time.  Simple things such as playing games, doing PreK "after school activities" (a.k.a. Homework),  regularly reading bedtime books....all seemed to be just out of my reach.  GUILT, written all over my inner self-consciousness.  Call it circumstantial or selfishness, I am aware of the many things I have not been able to do with my son.

Survival (clean, safe, well-nourished)...Yes.  Thriving (art projects, day trips, organized baseball)  ...No.  Not to the extent that I would ideally choose with my one and only child.  High expectations or realistic expectations, I don't quite know.  But I won't know if I don't give it a try!

So, this is an opportunity to turn off the tube, force myself to come up with alternatives to TV/Nintendo DS, and open up to new possibilities for one-on-one time connecting with my son.

Pre-No-Screen-Week

FIRST, I had to "sell" my son on the idea.  I was determined not to have this be an anarchy, so I needed to sell him on the benefits...to him.  I know that he loves time with his mommy, so the more I could present my case for: no TV = more time with Mommy, the better.

"Guess what next week is??", I enthusiastically asked in the car on the way home from PreK last week.

"What!", Noah wondered.

"It's No Screen week... do you know what that means?", I continued, gaining involvement.

"No!", he declared.

"It's a week where we spend time together playing games, reading, coloring, and doing fun stuff together...instead of watching TV.  We get to have a whole week of no TV, no Nintendo, and no iPhone games.  Isn't that cool!"  I tried my best to be as excited and enthusiastic as possible.  Knowing that this would be as hard for Mom as it was for Child, I was actually selling myself in the process!

Ultimate Agreement

Although Noah's initial reaction wasn't as Positive and Enthusiastic as I had hoped ("That's not a good idea, Mommy," is how he replied)....he eventually bought into the idea as I talked about how challenging it would be.  "I don't know if we can do it?", I lamented out loud.  "Yes we can Mommy!" was the exact response I was hoping for!

Day #1

Today is Tuesday.  I am about to pick up Noah from PreK.  That means that we have had one evening's opportunity to simply ignore the Television.  And, I am proud to say, we were successful!

My strategy:  Noah helps with dinner and/or plays on the back patio.  Both options lead to more work ultimately (messiness in the kitchen/potential dirt from playing in dirt), but at least no TV is involved.  Noah decides to help make dinner.  And what a trooper he is.  We explore the freezer and fridge.  We decide what meal to prepare.  We microwave nearly everything!

The Result:  We eat dinner at the dining room table; Noah eats more greens than usual (my guess is because he made his own salad); and Noah cleans up the kitchen floor while I do dishes.  Success!

Next up:  1.) A favorite project from my childhood:  silly food mixtures.  Noah had a blast mixing and tasting a concoction of soda, water, milk, ketchup, chocolate syrup, and vanilla creamer.  2.) "After school activity", as it is called. (I have never ever heard of having Homework in PreK, but who am I to judge the evolution of education.)  Find 3 things in the living room that can be recycled or reused and draw a picture of them.  After 20 minutes, homework complete.  Time for bath, books, and bed.

Speaking of bath, books, and bed, if I don't head to pick up Noah at PreK Afterschool, I'll be paying a pretty penny to the Sunshine House for being late.

Here ends Day Number One of No Screen Week.  I'll keep you posted :-) on how days Two through Seven go!

Contemplating Self-Mothering

I write this as I am listening to a CD series called Warming the Stone Child:  Myths and Stories about Abandonment and the Unmothered Child, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.

Self-Mothering
I have a passion for exploring motherhood...not only mothering our children, but also Mothering Ourselves.  From what I can tell from my experience, one is intricately linked with the other.

Although I have been on this Journey of Motherhood for only five years, I have been Journeying Mothering Myself for quite some time.  Years ago I became aware of the "child" inside me who was "running the show".  I also became aware of my "teenage" tendency to strive for achievement and success above and beyond anything else.  Hence, 12 years in a Corporate Profession of following the parental corporate lead, pleasing, do-gooding, and rising in the ranks.

Although the awareness is there, there are more times than not that the practice of self-mothering these younger aspects alludes me.  The Negative Voices, the Pressure, the Rules, the Judgment, the Seduction of the Collective's Story of Success...are all very powerful forces that nag and persuade me daily.

And so I continue to contemplate...
Where is the Mother in this system?  Where is the internal Mother who watches after these younger aspects of myself?  "Where is she?"  "Who is she?"  And, most importantly..."How do I grow this Mother aspect of me?"

Clarissa Pinkola Estes says, "In order to grow the internal mother you have to be willing to be decent and good to your self."

AHHHH.  How many of us mothers out there are being decent and good to our selves???  How many of us can say that we treat ourselves with kindness and respect?  Not new information, but hearing it again (for me) and seeing it in black and white (for you), hopefully, will help to solidify the point.  Read it again.

"In order to grow the internal mother you have to be willing to be decent and good to your self."

She goes on to say, "The more you are willing to accept self love, self respect....caring about all the things that you are...that's what develops the internal mother." 

"You have to be willing to accept your own love."

Pray, Pray, Pray
With all of your heart, Pray for Willingness.  Pray for Resources.  Pray for Guidance.  Pray for the Words.  Pray for the Role Models.  Pray for the Energy.  Pray for the Ability.  And Pray for the Love.

And also, Pray for the opportunity to be decent and good to others.  Pray to practice caring for others with great devotion, honor and respect.  And, as you do, you'll be practicing to be a good Mother to you too.

Exploring Mothering Myself

Exploration:  Is how I Mother myself the same as how I Mother my child?  I can ask it the other way:  Is how I Mother my child the same as how I Mother myself?

Today I was at a meeting with several woman.  During a conversation about the business, one woman, a mother, said to me "Your problem is....".  I nearly gasped out loud.

Did she really say that?

I could feel my body contract as the words came out her mouth.

"I wonder if that is how she talks to herself?" I asked myself.  I bet it is.

I am offering myself a whole new door for understanding people and how they "mother" themselves and their children.  Simply listen to how they talk to me.

As for me, I am trying to be very conscious of how I talk to myself.  Sometimes it is easy, sometimes it isn't.  Most of the time it isn't.  Here's a gem:  if I am struggling to hear my own self-talk, I can listen to how I talk to my son.  That will tell me a lot about how I am feeling about myself in that moment.

And it will, perhaps, tell me a little bit about how I am doing at being a loving mother...to myself.

Mothering Myself

How well do I take care of my child?

In this post, I'm not referring to my physical child.  I am referring to the child inside me...inside each of us..the younger version of myself..the little girl who lives in my heart.

Exploring...
How can I distinguish her?  What are her needs?  What does she like?  What makes her happy?  How is she feeling right now?  Can I hear her?  What is she trying to tell me?

Do I know?  Do you know?

What's Worked...
Over the years I have learned different ways to connect with this child:  I have written with my non-dominant hand to have a dialogue with this little girl, I have made commitments to her, I have looked at her eyes in the mirror.

Message from Spirit
At this point in my journey, it feels like something different is required.  Something that I haven't been able to provide before, to this inner aspect of me.

As I think about what is needed, I look around the coffee shop and see:  "Never leave child unattended in chair"... says the sign on the high chair. "Never leave child unattended....."

No mistake.  Reading my reality.  A message from Spirit?  Trying to tell me and the Exploring Motherhood world something?

Is my child unattended?
I would say yes.  I am busy with other things!  Busy trying to make a living, keep a household, contribute to society.  But, when I look in my heart to see what is there, I feel pain.  (First I notice avoidance and then I feel pain.)  I have not been attending to my heart!

I have not been listening to what is needed!  I have forgotten the inner most part of me!

In the midst of life, I forgot to provide the deep love and nurturance for myself that is needed...to FEED me.  For many understandable reasons, I have drifted away from Mothering Myself in a way that provides unconditional love, support, encouragement, attention, adoration, and belief!  I have inherited a very human skill of being the Critical Mother to myself, but as for being the Nurturing Mother....that is something I continue to struggle with and work on continually!

Mothering Ourselves
Are our 'collective' inner children unattended?  Does they know we are there?  Are they waiting to be seen and rescued?

I offer some things to contemplate.

• How can we practice paying more attention to our insides?
• How can we nurture our hearts?
• How can we feed ourselves love and appreciation?

People talk all the time about self-care, but what does that really mean when it comes to matters of the heart?

Generate Love and Acceptance
For me, part of self-care is valuing the most valuable aspect of myself - my heart - by listening to what is says and listening to what it wants.  And part of mothering myself is being the wise mother who knows when to say "yes" and when to say "no".  Pay attention to my self.  Generate acceptance for who I am in this moment.  Be kind and loving to me, my heart, my child.

As I mother myself, I also mother my son. 

Part of exploring how I Mother Myself is exploring how it relates to how I mother my son.

Kids, all kids, want nothing more than the love, attention, and acceptance of their parents.

I saw it in my son's face at preschool this morning as I joined in for an hour of "Circle Time" singing songs and doing body movements with his class.  I saw how happy and proud Noah was to have his mom paying attention to him - his world and his friends.

In that moment, my son knew that he mattered.  He was being "attended to" and his heart was happy.

Perhaps that is all it takes for me as I practice generating more love and acceptance for myself...as I train in this lifelong practice of Mothering Myself.

more to come...

Exploring Generousity

As I was sitting outside in the sun this morning writing my "Morning Pages" I began thinking again about Motherhood.  I purposely wanted to share as I explored...so I came inside to write here instead.

Motherhood is about being generous - generously giving of our bodies, our energy, our time, our attention, our lives.  It is about developing another being's body, mind, and spirit....over the course of years.  It is about feeding another human being's heart, cells, neurology with Love.  It is about expanding ourselves beyond our preconceived perception of ourselves.  It is about providing nurturance, care, understanding and support.  And it is about creating and providing Safety and Home.

Some questions to think about...

• What happens when a Mother has nothing inside to give?  No Energy, no Love, no Patience, no Time, no "Stuff".
• Does the "stuff" to give come from somewhere else when it does not exist inside?
• How does a Mother find these things and fill herself with them?

There is no prerequisite to having a baby that the Mother needs to be filled and whole.

And, there is no guarantee that the "stuff" that was inside when you had the baby will always be there.

So I will begin and end this blog simply with these questions to explore.  I am exploring them myself.  I am looking inside to see where the energy is.  I am wondering where my sense of self has gone and how to get her back.  I am experimenting with rituals, exercises, prayers, mantras and all sorts of modalities to feed the self.  I am attempting to accurately access what I am doing and not doing in my life that adds and takes away from the "stuff" that I so much want to give to my child.

I invite you to explore, too.  And tell us what you find.