Contemplating Self-Mothering

I write this as I am listening to a CD series called Warming the Stone Child:  Myths and Stories about Abandonment and the Unmothered Child, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.

Self-Mothering
I have a passion for exploring motherhood...not only mothering our children, but also Mothering Ourselves.  From what I can tell from my experience, one is intricately linked with the other.

Although I have been on this Journey of Motherhood for only five years, I have been Journeying Mothering Myself for quite some time.  Years ago I became aware of the "child" inside me who was "running the show".  I also became aware of my "teenage" tendency to strive for achievement and success above and beyond anything else.  Hence, 12 years in a Corporate Profession of following the parental corporate lead, pleasing, do-gooding, and rising in the ranks.

Although the awareness is there, there are more times than not that the practice of self-mothering these younger aspects alludes me.  The Negative Voices, the Pressure, the Rules, the Judgment, the Seduction of the Collective's Story of Success...are all very powerful forces that nag and persuade me daily.

And so I continue to contemplate...
Where is the Mother in this system?  Where is the internal Mother who watches after these younger aspects of myself?  "Where is she?"  "Who is she?"  And, most importantly..."How do I grow this Mother aspect of me?"

Clarissa Pinkola Estes says, "In order to grow the internal mother you have to be willing to be decent and good to your self."

AHHHH.  How many of us mothers out there are being decent and good to our selves???  How many of us can say that we treat ourselves with kindness and respect?  Not new information, but hearing it again (for me) and seeing it in black and white (for you), hopefully, will help to solidify the point.  Read it again.

"In order to grow the internal mother you have to be willing to be decent and good to your self."

She goes on to say, "The more you are willing to accept self love, self respect....caring about all the things that you are...that's what develops the internal mother." 

"You have to be willing to accept your own love."

Pray, Pray, Pray
With all of your heart, Pray for Willingness.  Pray for Resources.  Pray for Guidance.  Pray for the Words.  Pray for the Role Models.  Pray for the Energy.  Pray for the Ability.  And Pray for the Love.

And also, Pray for the opportunity to be decent and good to others.  Pray to practice caring for others with great devotion, honor and respect.  And, as you do, you'll be practicing to be a good Mother to you too.

Exploring Mothering Myself

Exploration:  Is how I Mother myself the same as how I Mother my child?  I can ask it the other way:  Is how I Mother my child the same as how I Mother myself?

Today I was at a meeting with several woman.  During a conversation about the business, one woman, a mother, said to me "Your problem is....".  I nearly gasped out loud.

Did she really say that?

I could feel my body contract as the words came out her mouth.

"I wonder if that is how she talks to herself?" I asked myself.  I bet it is.

I am offering myself a whole new door for understanding people and how they "mother" themselves and their children.  Simply listen to how they talk to me.

As for me, I am trying to be very conscious of how I talk to myself.  Sometimes it is easy, sometimes it isn't.  Most of the time it isn't.  Here's a gem:  if I am struggling to hear my own self-talk, I can listen to how I talk to my son.  That will tell me a lot about how I am feeling about myself in that moment.

And it will, perhaps, tell me a little bit about how I am doing at being a loving mother...to myself.

Mothering Myself

How well do I take care of my child?

In this post, I'm not referring to my physical child.  I am referring to the child inside me...inside each of us..the younger version of myself..the little girl who lives in my heart.

Exploring...
How can I distinguish her?  What are her needs?  What does she like?  What makes her happy?  How is she feeling right now?  Can I hear her?  What is she trying to tell me?

Do I know?  Do you know?

What's Worked...
Over the years I have learned different ways to connect with this child:  I have written with my non-dominant hand to have a dialogue with this little girl, I have made commitments to her, I have looked at her eyes in the mirror.

Message from Spirit
At this point in my journey, it feels like something different is required.  Something that I haven't been able to provide before, to this inner aspect of me.

As I think about what is needed, I look around the coffee shop and see:  "Never leave child unattended in chair"... says the sign on the high chair. "Never leave child unattended....."

No mistake.  Reading my reality.  A message from Spirit?  Trying to tell me and the Exploring Motherhood world something?

Is my child unattended?
I would say yes.  I am busy with other things!  Busy trying to make a living, keep a household, contribute to society.  But, when I look in my heart to see what is there, I feel pain.  (First I notice avoidance and then I feel pain.)  I have not been attending to my heart!

I have not been listening to what is needed!  I have forgotten the inner most part of me!

In the midst of life, I forgot to provide the deep love and nurturance for myself that is needed...to FEED me.  For many understandable reasons, I have drifted away from Mothering Myself in a way that provides unconditional love, support, encouragement, attention, adoration, and belief!  I have inherited a very human skill of being the Critical Mother to myself, but as for being the Nurturing Mother....that is something I continue to struggle with and work on continually!

Mothering Ourselves
Are our 'collective' inner children unattended?  Does they know we are there?  Are they waiting to be seen and rescued?

I offer some things to contemplate.

• How can we practice paying more attention to our insides?
• How can we nurture our hearts?
• How can we feed ourselves love and appreciation?

People talk all the time about self-care, but what does that really mean when it comes to matters of the heart?

Generate Love and Acceptance
For me, part of self-care is valuing the most valuable aspect of myself - my heart - by listening to what is says and listening to what it wants.  And part of mothering myself is being the wise mother who knows when to say "yes" and when to say "no".  Pay attention to my self.  Generate acceptance for who I am in this moment.  Be kind and loving to me, my heart, my child.

As I mother myself, I also mother my son. 

Part of exploring how I Mother Myself is exploring how it relates to how I mother my son.

Kids, all kids, want nothing more than the love, attention, and acceptance of their parents.

I saw it in my son's face at preschool this morning as I joined in for an hour of "Circle Time" singing songs and doing body movements with his class.  I saw how happy and proud Noah was to have his mom paying attention to him - his world and his friends.

In that moment, my son knew that he mattered.  He was being "attended to" and his heart was happy.

Perhaps that is all it takes for me as I practice generating more love and acceptance for myself...as I train in this lifelong practice of Mothering Myself.

more to come...